Sometimes I wish it was all over, and that I am tired of living like this. But God has His purposes for trials and afflictions, and His timetable is perfectly suited to our needs. Each cross is first weighed in His nail pierced hands before He gives it to us. He knows what we need, and He knows what we can handle. My prayer has not been for healing, (even though it is not wrong to ask for), but my prayer is that I would be faithful to my Saviour to the end of my journey.
I shed tears of sorrow as I lose more of my functions and abilities. I know that it doesn't change anything, and that I end up just feeling sorry for myself. But it does help me to get rid of a build up of frustration. The latest loss is that I am no longer able to bear weight on my legs, but my knees just buckle. I also cannot drink fluids by mouth without choking. I get all of my fluids now through the tube in my stomach (g tube).
I shed tears of joy when I consider all the love, care, and help that I receive from family, friends, from the church and school community. But above all, I shed tears of joy knowing that Jesus has forgiven my sins, and gives me peace in my heart. One day these knees will be able to bend before Him in gratitude and praise for what He has done for me. I can hardly wait.